Singles Scene News
Sexual Singles, part 3
by Harlan Jacobsen
Ninety per cent of your sexual response and behavior comes from the mind, ten per cent from your sex organs. When you are getting only a fraction of your potential sexual enjoyment and life enchancement, it is most likely because of your mental processing, programming, and what you have been conditioned to regarding sex, not something wrong with your sex organs. Again, sex like adjusting to a new life at middle age is sometimes more of an 'unlearning' process than a learning process. The female arousal and caution, as well as the man's fast urgency arousal are both learned. He was raised to always say yes to sex, she was raised to always say no. These are examples of responses that are learned and can be (with some difficulty) unlearned.
It really is not your single circumstances or lady luck, your ex, or the world out there that is keeping you from your full sexual potential. It is what you have connected up with sex in your head that is causing the problem.
You are born with sexual urges and that's it. No programming on how to do it or how to get maximum enjoyment. All higher animals (monkeys, for example) have to watch others or they do not know how. So everything you have about sex (except the urge) you learned somewhere. A lot of what you learned was bad learning, or not adequate to really even tap very much of your sexual potential.
So they often say, why do I want to learn about sex now at this age? I know how to do it, all I want is to find someone super to do it with. Cut out all this malarkey and just tell me where to find them.
WRONG - you are always going to be searching, searching, for that "magic" lover gut there who can continually turn you on forever and ever. If you get to where you lave your sexual act together, you will lever have to look for a partner. Until you to develop it, you are probably never going o be "sexually happy" because of your aulty expectations, lack of knowledge, wrong conditioning and programming as well as physical and the mental connections trophying from never having been used in our entire sexual life.
True, you'll probably sooner or later find someone who can turn you on more for while and you'll say, "Boy, I never had it good." But you will still not be able to maintain real sexual fulfillment after the "all electric" trip wears off.
You are born with a sense for music. Man has always been fascinated with music. It (like sex) is learned - on how to make music. Some get right with it with little instruction, some figure it out themselves. Most however, comparing sex with the piano, never get past learning how to play "Chop Sticks" or 'Merrily We Roll Along.' Why? Because you never had an opportunity or the inclination when the opportunity for instruction was available, to really learn how to play the piano.
Now, you say, all I really need is to find a piano and I'll really make music. Wrong! You'll make some music but not much no matter how good the piano. When you get really good at playing the piano, don't worry; you'll find all sorts of painos being offered to you to make music upon. And if you are really good at playing the piano, they wouldn't think of offering or asking you to play a second rate piano.
Not only can you learn how to play beautiful music - most of all, your ability to enjoy good music is greatly improved.
Nobody was born a great pianist. They learned and practiced. Nobody was ever born a great lover, they learned and practiced.
Sex is like music. You can live without both. Making music or good sex really doesn't accomplish anything tangible. Good music and good sex only do one thing - add to your enjoyment of life. They both make it all that much more worth living. With music it has been mechanized to where you just put on a record and it is instantly done for you.
Unfortunately, technology in sex has not kept up and you are looking for instant enjoyment, to have it done for you (you can actually hire a piano player and you can hire a sex partner.)
However, sex is still most enjoyable when you are not passive; you are able to control and make the beautiful music yourself in conjunction with someone else that you respect and consider a very fine instrument.
Your problem now may be, my ex told me I was a lousy musician. (Sex, like music, usually goes bad when a relationship goes bad, for whatever reason.) So you may decide, well, I can get along without music (sex). I'm turned off and I will just stay turned off. Or I have shut it off for so long that I fear I will never be able to really turn it on again. I become so afraid of even considering sex again I break out in a rash every time I think about it. So I just buy a pussycat and adopt my new motto - "Who Needs ' Em" - and tell everyone I am "living very happily alone." It rings sort of hollow after awhile.
Dr. Rubin says what you don't use you lose and we will talk about that further along in the series as to why that is. So it boils down to this:
If I am really going to make the rest of my life the best of my life, I need to:
1. Learn about sex. You are not afraid of what you know about. (Fear is of the unknowns.)
2. Unlearn my old hang-ups and conditioning. Learn to free myself and my ability to participate fully and happily.
3. Learn how to become a great lover and gain selfconfidence.
4. Practice - practice - practice.
S. Sort and take your pick of great partners who seem to appear in numbers almost magically.
6 . Lead a happy fulfilled sexual life.
Most second time singles feel they should go directly to Number 6 and
they erroneously figure that if that succeeds, Number 6 will happen along
automatically. Wrong again.