Sexual Singles, Part 7
by Harlan Jacobsen
NICE PEOPLE DON'T TALK ABOUT SEX!
With that kind of programming, most middle-aged people really don't feel
comfortable talking about sex in the second time around dating situation.
Yet you are suppsed to be a knowledgeable, sophisticated adult.
Now here you are, thinking about having a sexual relationship with a realtive
stranger and you are not even comfortable talking about sex.
IF THEY ARE A MARRIAGE OR LONG TERM PROSPECT, YOU ARE UPTIGHT ABOUT PLEASING
THEM IN BED
Will I turn them off? Will I be less than adequate? Am I doing the right
thing at the right time?
Of the hundreds of people whom I have interviewed, some of the women I
talked to said that when they went to Europe and had sex with someone,
it was particularly enjoyable and many realized why that was. It was not
because they were better lovers, it was because they were not particularly
uptight about pleasing or impressing whoever they were in bed with as
to their sexual abilities but were in bed primarily to enjoy themselves
and that was it.
WHEN YOU ARE JUST IN BED TO ENJOY YOURSELF, THEN IT IS GOOD
When you take along a whole lot of worries about "Is this person
going to be satisfied with me" in bed, then it takes most of the
fun out of it. When you are both just there to have a good time, and not
all that uptight about it and not take it all that serious, then it turns
out to be pretty good. The harder you try or worry about making it good
- often the more of a disaster it is.
THERE IS OFTEN SO MUCH UNCERTAINTY OF WHAT IS WANTED OR INTENDED THAT
GONG TO BED TOGETHER IS A SEA OF TENSION
The trick is to make and have no demands, create no expectations and just
have the attitude "Let's have a good time together and that's it."
YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO EXPRESS WHERE YOU ARE AT AND HOW YOU FEEL
You don't have to make the other person feel manipulated or pressured
to deal with the situation in any way. You imply spontaneity, freedom
IF YOU ARE NEW TO THIS AND FEELING UNCOMFORTABLE BECAUSE OF OLD PROGRAMMING
- SAY SO
That doesn't end anything; that helps your partner understand and be helpful
and not rush things.
You suffer from not having a good sexual relationship, there is no reason
to suffer when you do. If you have inhibitions, worries and conflicting
programming that are keeping you from enjoying a happy sex life, then
it is better if you make that clear to your potential partner that you
are working through these and that you want sex to be the best ever for
both and you may need their help - I am sure that they will be understanding
and really go out of their way to make it great for you both. They are
not on your side instead of some kind of competition.
DO NOT PRETEND YOU HAVE EVERYTHING TOGETHER AND YOU COULD DO THIS FOR
When you are a novice, you are a novice aren't you? You didn't have 20
years experience. You had one years experience 20 times.
WHY ARE YOU IN BED TOGETHER ANYWAY?
One reason is the urge - your body wants to. (If it doesn't want to jump
out of bed) There are a lot of other reasons - none of which are all that
WILL THIS MAKE TODAY A BETTER, MORE MEMORABLE DAY FOR BOTH OF US!
Then, okay, let's get with it. Let us both reassure the other what the
name of the game is and that there are no strings attached.
IT'S OKAY TO SAY YOU ARE A NOVICE AT THIS AND ASK THEM IF THEY ARE A
If you are new to taking up sex again, say so, then dive in; no use putting
your little toe in the water. If you are going to swim, dive in, and have
a good time. Your partner will help.
WILL THEY EVER WANT TO GO TO BED WITH ME AGAIN?
If they feel they gave tremendous good time, they certainly will want
to have sex again with someone they really succeed with. That's why the
best thing you can do is really enjoy yourself and not take all this so
IF THE PIANO PLAYER HAS A GOOD TUNE MAKING MUSIC - YOU ENJOY IT TOO?
Even if they are not expert, the enthusiasm is contagious. If you are
enthusiastic about your fun sexual relationship, they will be too. Technique
is important, but far more important is your attitude.
NEXT ISSUE: Who is responsible for what?
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