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Researchers at Villanova and Rutgers Universities have examined how our match with our partner's personality traits influences the quality of our relationships. Their findings suggest that your "perfect match" might not be the best choice after all.

In an initial study, the researchers found that what college students described as their "ideal" partner was a close match to each student's own personality. 

But how does this play in real life? In other words, do the happiest relationships have the most similar personalities?



Two peas in a pod


To find out, the researchers studied 106 romantic couples (average age, 25) who had been in a monogamous relationship together at least a year (average, 4 years). About 30% of the couples were married, 30% cohabitating, and 40% in long-term dating relationships. Partner personalities were compared in couples who were high, moderate or low in "love and harmony." 

Overall, the more similar the partners were in personality, the better their relationship. However, compared to other couples, the happiest couples had personalities that were more dissimilar when it comes to dominance.



It's a win-win


Of course, this makes sense. As the researchers note, two dominant partners would experience a lot of conflict as each tries to control the other, and two "easy-going" partners would be frustrated by their mutual lack of initiative.

The researchers were careful to note that in the happiest couples, each partner was being true to their own personality; it was the complementary nature of their actions (one happy to "call the shots" and one happy to go along) that contributed to the success of the relationship.



Know thyself



So what does this mean for you if you're in the market for a long-term romance? 

First, this suggests that while opposites may attract, it's the people with similar personalities who are most likely to be happy together over time.

Second, it means that in order to be a good judge of how complementary the other person's personality might be, you need to have an accurate sense of who you really are -- your own interests, needs, motivations, and values.

This is not as easy as it sounds. How much of your thinking is actually the product of trying to please others, of going-along-to-get-along? It's not usual, especially if you've been in a long-term relationship, that what you assume are your values and motivations are simply what mattered to you long ago without any serious soul-searching since. 

How can you recognize your "soul-mate" if you don't know what's at the center of your own soul? 



To thine own self be true



Finally, you need to not just know yourself, but be true to yourself as well.

For too many of us, dating is a time to find "attractive" potential partners, and then try to be what we think they want us to be. We behave in ways that we can't realistically sustain over time ("Yes, I LOVE the opera/football!") or squelch our true feelings ("Of course I don't mind that your cats make me sneeze").

This is a sure formula for a miserable relationship because no matter how successfully you think you hide it, if you're not being your self, eventually the relationship will eventually be an unhappy one.

This means that to find your best relationship, your first task is to be as much your authentic self as possible. Then you'll be able to recognize that "perfect" match who has the similarities -- and the differences -- that count.

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